A Tree-mendous BLOGGING RANT

For all those who Blog and GET IT

and for those who don't Blog and don't GET IT.

2017 got a little tiresome for the blogger in me and I don't think I am the only one who has felt this pain in the Blog-osphere. So, in order to make 2018 a little less painful and to avoid me losing my wig every 8 minutes, I have decided to get all of this nonsense out in the open. What better way to start the New Year than with a massive rant. Controversial.

In my case, this is primarily for the many friends and family who just don't get it. Hey, I'm not judging. In fact, before I blogged, I was also completely bewildered by bloggers who sold £2 advent calendars for £840, even if certain pharmacies reduced that price to £420 to make it a little more 'affordable.' I was also totally confused as to how these social sensations were banking out of online oxygen. So if you non-understanders reading think I am just ranting, then I am but your shoes have also been on my feet so I GET IT. P.S You have no idea how freeing all this honesty is, I might as well be meditating on glittery money.

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I don't have a Bentley YET

I should start with an example...

If I asked you to go into your completely paved garden tomorrow and required you to grow me a 16ft money tree in one year which makes you a multi-millionaire. Would you be able to do it? THINK. Would it happen overnight? Now, what if you had managed to dig up all your paving and even gave up full time work to take all the gardening time you needed to plant a variety of seeds and lovingly caress those seeds, whilst travelling round Scotland 72 times to help those seeds grow? Because quite frankly, you would walk 500 miles MORE to grow your money tree. I am comparing, please stick with me.

I also don't have a Lamborghini YET

Also, you aren't just growing a tree. OH NO. You also have to build a forest around this tree which reaches far and wide. This, thankfully, does not need to be a money tree forest. Just any, frankly ace, trees that quite like the look of your tree and want to hang around to find out more. (If you haven't yet gathered then I am talking about followers and readers).

Now, whilst maintaining your epic new tree and all her lovely forest tree friends (are trees female?), you also need to ensure that your tree is perfectly beautiful and neatly decorated so that when the tree viewings come around, your tree looks the best. Even if that means that your tree is purely a twig in a forest of General Shermans (that is the name of a tree that came up on Google under the search 'names of big trees', how else would I know that?! Ya catch ma drift?!

You need to sell your twig, along with your whole forest. Your twig needs to show it's potential and people don't only want to know how many trees are in your forest but they also want to know the age, sex and engagements coming from both your twig and your forest. This means that you better get your twig entwining with its forest friends. Ideally, if you could move some wild life into the forest as well and entertain all of the little creatures and trees on a very regular basis, then you are off to a good start.

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I don't eat Oysters every day, YET

charbroiled oysters

You now have a pretty good set up, your twig has started to gain some interest, it has a forest, you are constantly entertaining your forest. Tree houses from far and wide have now started to invite you to come and hang out with them. Local beehives want you to be seen sipping honey with them. You are becoming a little bit of a Paris Hilton in a world of Hilton hotels.

Now, what was once your little twiggy twig twig, has not only had you invited to some of the best tree-houses in the country, but it has also started to sprout a few coins here and there. All of the graft, mileage, sleepless nights and lightning strikes to your forest are looking worthwhile. Instead of counting your trees, you are still focusing on forest entertainment and growth. Alas, hurrah! Your tree is now looking pretty sizeable whilst shedding a few notes here and there. Snoop Dogg even played near your tree (true story) #Evidence.

I don't have a Golden Goose, YET

So far, things are going quite well aren't they? For reference, you could always look at the 105 lengthy leaves on my tree. In one year, I am fairly proud of myself for having smashed the jewels right off the crown. Like a lot of my fellow gardeners, who have also put tireless amounts of work into their gardens. Your work starts to pay off and your forest is really flourishing.

In the background, you still have uninvited, annoying little crows that are constantly chirping away, either downing your almighty tree, doubting the greenery in your forest or quite frankly, discussing the bloody Amazon (this is not a punt at the website, more the jungle). So when certain guests to your forest mention 'making millions' and investing in future businesses (Craig, Sandy, if you are reading this, trees have better memories than elephants and fish), you kinda want to get the chainsaw out and cut of heads and branches. It also means that when your forest is raining money and you turn that money into yachts in the Caribbean, certain once vacant seats will no longer be vacant.

Anyway, constant comments and time limits on your tree wealth, forest fruits and woodland wonders can grate on a cheesy human. So if you hear this fairly constantly for almost a year... You would be pretty bummed right?! Your hair would be pretty frazzled right?! You might have doubled your medication, RIGHT?!

Moral of the Story

B - Bentley
L - Lamborghini
O - Oysters
G - Golden Goose

I might not have all of these things yet but us gardeners are fairly heavy grafters. We work hard and we document nearly all of our play. We plant our trees and grow our leaves because we care. Our trees are our passion and our leaves are our interests. So if I can profit in year one out of my passion for trees, then you lot can remember this forest, and every single time you begin to question the expense of its leaves, you should change that question into a massive congratulation because, quite frankly, my tree is bloody enormous to me.

'A tree with strong roots, laughs at storms, the stronger the wind, the stronger the tree.'

P.S. Pretty sure we could get this ranking for either trees or gardening, or is that TOO niche?!

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